Top 25 Things to Never Say When Someone Hands You Their Baby

1. So Basic…

2. Can I borrow that pacifier? I’m tripping so hard right now.

3. Isn’t it crazy that in 20 years, this little guy could be a Harvard graduate or just another dead junkie?

4. Can I breastfeed it?

5. The doctor said I can never have one of these because my insides are rotten.

6. OMG he is so cute I could LITERALLY sell him to a Cambodian businessman for at least 10% above market value.

7. Is it cool if I vape right now?

8. (Weeping) He is not the chosen one! He is not the chosen one…

9. Babies remind me of ‘Nam. The screaming – my God, the screaming…

10. Ooh she looks just like a little Paul Schaffer.

11. (Into sleeping baby’s face, in a style reminiscent of late-90s Budweiser TV ads) Wazzzzzzupppppp!!!!!

12. Isn’t it wonderful that this magical creature that you spend every waking minute taking care of will one day blame you for all of its problems?

13. It’s so lifelike!

14. Aww he’s got his father’s stupid, little beady eyes!

15. Just to warn you, I do have Flavor Flav disease – at any given moment, I may throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don’t care.

16. Honestly…how did you make this?

17. Why are you parading this little fool around? He is nothing but a very tiny man. Where is the rest of him? You don’t fool me, tiny man!

18. Is she supposed to look like a Dick Tracy villain?

19. (Cooing softly into baby’s ear while gently rocking it) Soulja Boy off in this hoe/Watch me crank it/Watch me roll/Watch me crank that Soulja Boy/Then superman that hoe/Now watch me youuuuuuuuu…

20. When I was in prison, I had an empty toilet paper roll that I pretended was my son.

21. Wow guys, she’s so different from every other goddamn baby I’ve ever seen.

22. Ever wonder what’s inside one of these things?

23. (To someone next to you holding the baby) Man, stop bogarting and pass that little mothafucka!

24. (Adjusting a pair of headphones while spinning the baby around a Lazy Susan with your finger in its belly button) RE-MIXXXX!!!!!

25. Wanna see a magic trick?

18816 Total Views 8 Views Today
ted-pillow

Ted Pillow

Ted Pillow is a regular contributor to Thought Catalog, and has written for The Awl, PopMatters, and Slacktory. His collected writing can be found at Fanny Pack Spectacular! He tweets @TedPillow.