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The Daily Med Examiner

The Daily Medical Examiner is a blog written by doctors for doctors. The blog includes healthcare satire news, articles and cartoons. Their posts combine humor and important health information in all medical specialties. Read more at Medexaminer.wordpress.com.

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Diligent Medical Student At Starbucks Actually in a Coma

VALLEY CITY, IL – 24 year-old medical student Yulu Zwiti was known for his academic focus and dedication.  That’s why when classmates and other patrons of the 12th Avenue Starbucks near the Western Illinois State Medical School (WISMS) saw him pouring over his Pathology notes hour after hour at the back table, no one thought much of it.  That is, until 3 days went by and an observant night cleaning crew member noticed that he didn’t blink much. Gus Yerdinger spotted what many of Zwiti’s fellow medical classmates had missed. “I’m no doctor, but he definitely looked messed up,” said Mr. Yerdinger.  ”I feel bad for the kid.” Starbucks Corporation has distanced itself from the incident, brushing off speculation about caffeine intoxication and indifferent staff. “It was an understandable mistake.  We have a lot of these med students come in…they buy $3 dollars worth of coffee, spread out a dozen textbooks with disgusting illustrations of genitals and stuff at a table intended for 6 people, use the free WiFi, and they camp out for 78 hours,” said Starbucks barista Julie Thock. While classmates may not have recognized a vegetative state in the glazed stare of MS2 Zwiti, his unblinking resolve inspired them. “To walk by him day after day and see how he never quit…it just made me feel really bad about how I’ve been slacking off on Cell Biology;...

When Medical Nudity Becomes Uncomfortable

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Many Products Promising Male Organ Enlargement May Not Be Scientifically Proven

In an unimaginable and devastating blow to millions of men hoping to pharmacologically enhance certain reproductive organs, a Daily Medical Examiner SPECIAL INVESTIGATION into on-line advertisements for male enhancement found that the science behind many product claims was somewhat weak.  In a rigorously designed “mass-sample ingestion study” the DME’s Urologic Research Corps (aka Summer Interns #2 and 9) tried over 600 such products and found that the only effect notable from most of these medications was disillusionment.  When contacted, many “scientists” affiliated with product development did not actually have degrees, or labs, or consciences. Public reaction to the study has been violent. “I was shocked to learn that the product I ordered from the advertisement side-bar of a trusted software piracy site had never been clinically tested or approved.  I feel that an inviolable trust has just been violated,” said Howard Rergs, who has been using the non-prescription drug VitaGrande, produced in Hong Kong, for several months with disappointing results.  ”How can I ever learn to trust again?!” Bruce Cliggens didn’t need a study to tell him that his trust was misplaced.  He becomes teary eyed as he speaks of the way he spent most of last semester’s federal student loan money on a product called Extendia which left him feeling bloated and alone. “They said ‘guaranteed results’ and offered an international number that I could call if I...

Sir William Osler Was “Most Worthless” Student on the Wards

MONTREAL, CANADA – He may be the exalted father of modern medical education and the hallowed champion of medical reason, but devastating new evidence shows that Sir William Osler’s early beginnings in medicine were lackluster at best. Recently uncovered academic reviews of his performance by upper level trainees at the McGill University’s Medical College in Montreal, show he was highly unpopular on the hospital wards. Unearthed from the vaults of the McGill registrar’s office, these scathing clerkship reviews show a remarkably different side of Western medicine’s greatest hero. Upper level trainees criticized both his work ethic and his professionalism. It appears he was plagued by inefficiency and hampered by frivolous medical curiosity. “Yea, had I a sixpence for ev’ry hour that this cursed Osler spent poking some hepatic trolle’s stomach instead of getting his work done, I wouldn’t be toiling in this armpit of a hospital!” “…Nigh, we caught him loafing in the latrine with a useless tome of physiology whilst the rest of the medical team were busy leeching the pneumonia patients.” “I asked him to go and bleed a patient afflicted by female hysteria…and he looks he at me with his imbecilic mustached stare and says he has surpassed his work hours limit and needs to go home. He then proceeded to question my discernment about bleeding the patient at all!!!” Others pointed to a distracted lack...

Study Finds 98% of Toddlers Are Against Routine Immunization

VISTACREST, CO – It appears parents aren’t the only ones worried about the effects of aggressive vaccination schedules in Western medicine. A new study published this week in the Journal of Alternative Immunotherapy suggests that nearly 98% of children aged 2-3 are strongly opposed to the current practice of routine childhood vaccination. The study was elegant in both its scope and simplicity. Over 12,000 randomly selected children aged 24 to 36 months were allowed to see the standard injection device and then asked, “Do you want to get a shot?” An astounding 98% of respondents expressed preference against routine immunization. After watching a five minute educational video about the possible role of vaccination in public health, nearly all of those surveyed re-affirmed their initial position as opposed to vaccination. In a follow-up, post-immunization survey (“Would you like another shot?”), nearly 100% said that they would decline future immunizations. While the world of pediatric medicine grapples with the study’s implications, many children are crying out for a moratorium on further injections while the evidence is reviewed. For additional coverage of the ongoing controversy regarding childhood immunization, see “New Study Links Childhood Vaccinations to Bad Manners Later in Life.” As always, the DME remains your source for the latest in medical research and groundbreaking discoveries. —————————– DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious and fabricated for...

Surgeon Finds Some Patients Don’t Appreciate His Little Experiment With Hugs

Photo by Michaela Kobyakov NORTHBINGER, CA – General Surgeon Jeff Britley, M.D., is touching patients in ways they never imagined.  After last year’s survey at the Northbinger Surgical Center indicated that he seemed “distant” or “rushed” during many patient visits, Dr. Britley made some dramatic changes to his bedside manner and patients have definitely noticed. “I decided I just needed to get in there and get friendly,” says Dr. Britley from his West Covina home where he is currently waiting for the California Medical Board to review complaints made about his new style.  ”Over the past 6 months I’ve revolutionized my bedside manner, making it a point to include healing touch and spacial intimacy in every moment I spend with my patients.” He says he courageously pushed the boundaries of human proximity – a sort of pioneer on the frontiers of physical awkwardness. “I made it my mission to step inside of each patient’s unique comfort zone and linger there… turning a simple hug or handshake into a truly magical and enduring experience.” Those wonderfully tenacious touches have been a source of deep satisfaction to Dr. Britley in his practice of medicine, but have generated no small amount of controversy amongst clinic patients. One patient reported being “very disturbed” by his attempt to lie in the hospital bed beside him while they talked. “He put his arms around me and...

Geneticists Astounded by Royal Baby’s Shocking Resemblance to Queen

LONDON, UK – British geneticists marveled this week over the first of several leaked photos showing rare initial glimpses of Prince George of Cambridge, the newest potential heir to the throne of Great Britain. Medical scientists are baffled by his full set of adult teeth and his striking resemblance to his great-grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II. Questions about the oddities of the royal gene pool have persisted throughout Western history, but this latest twist in the chromosomes has doctors everywhere scratching their heads. Although some skeptics have questioned the validity of the pictures, arguing that they look digitally altered, we have no reason to doubt their authenticity. The DME will continue to keep you informed as further information and photos are released. —————————– DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious and fabricated for the purpose of satire.  Any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is...

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