5 Tips on How To Be A Gunner

Gunners get a lot of hate in the medical school community. It’s something I have never been able to completely understand, despite my obvious genius; however I have formulated a few theories as to why in the mean time. First, people are stupid. Second, the world is full of haters. Third, and most importantly, I’m the best. Regardless, the point is, being a gunner is amazing. You get to constantly feel better than everybody. Everybody likes you, despite rarely, if ever, showing it. And most importantly, you will probably get the best residency. So, how does one get to be a gunner? Well Gunnees and Gunnettes, I got a list that will help you be as awesome as me.

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1. Raise your hand… a lot of the time.

Did the professor just say something you know? Perfect. This is your opportunity to ask the perfect question. The perfect question allows you to take the material one step further, but most likely in a direction that doesn’t matter at all, and simply to show how smart you are. For instance, did they just talk about cardiac hypertrophy? Well, you should ask a hypothetical question about cardiac hypotrophy. Bam. Sure it is completely irrelevant. But, just say the opposite of whatever the guy said, use big words, insert pauses where you scratch your chin and furrow your brow to make it look like your thinking really hard, and bam – you are now the smartest person in the class. Just remember to not let any pause in lecture go without a question from you, especially ones at the end of class. People always remember the last thing that happens in a class, especially when it keeps them there 5 minutes longer than they need to be.

2. Don’t forget to input your achievements into anything and everything.

Now, don’t stop by just answering questions you know. Remember, you have all the professor’s attention on you now, and of course, you have just demonstrated you’re genius. Make sure to lay it on extra thick with some useless background information about your life that serves absolutely no purpose other than to show how awesome you are. Did you participate in lab research? Put it in. Did you give blankets to babies in Africa? Put that in as well. Did you once give a dollar to a guy that looked kinda homeless? That works too. As long as it is marginally related to the topic, while at the same time making you look better, then it’s go time.

3. Get the highest grades.

Just kidding. Make it look like you get the highest grades. Shoot for low hanging fruit on questions, like, what is blood pressure? Or what does an elevated ALT AST mean? And make sure to answer them zealously, as if you knew the crap out of that question. Then when asked really complicated questions, defer graciously as if you know it, but then add something, anything to the answers of others that makes it look like you knew everything the whole time. Bam. So smart.

4. Correct Everybody

Did your fellow medical student with social anxiety get a detail wrong while answering a question in front of a large group of people? Did the resident forget something? Did the attending say something that might be somewhat outdated or possibly wrong in front of the patient? Pounce on these opportunities like a cat to a laser. Demonstrate that you are indeed the best. Don’t worry about the fact that you are not sleep deprived, have no real responsibility, and are fresh out of two years where you got to sit in a desk and just learn stuff. It’s everybody else’s fault for not being on top of everything all of the time. This weakness is your opportunity. Take it.

5. Don’t help people

Do you have really important information that would likely help the people around you? Keep it. Don’t tell anybody. People are weak and should just find it themselves. Like they say, give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man to fish, he eats forever, but don’t give anything, and you get to keep all the fish. I mean, who knows when the ocean is going to run out of fish? Moreover, this fisherman needs a sparkling recommendation letter, and nothing will get you there faster than stepping on the heads of your peers.

With this information, I believe that you guys can be the best. Next thing you know you will be the chiefs of pediatric intrauterine neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins and all the haters will be glowering as you accept the position for surgeon general of the world. Good luck, and keep gunning.

 

Featured image and all gifs from giphy.com. 
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john-silva

John Silva, "Almost" MD

I'm John Silva, I was born, then things happened, and now I'm a medical student at OUWB medical school. I enjoy the internet, working out, writing, travel and occasionally doing absolutely nothing. My motivation comes predominantly from rap music and youtube videos. I run on caffeine and lofty aspirations. Read the rest at tumblr.com/blog/jbesilvs. He tweets @jbesilvs.

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